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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2008.08.20  14.32 10 am Leave for airport 12:35 Depart PE 2:20 Arrive in JoBurg (South African Airways Flight # 410) 6 pm Depart JoBurg 6 am Tuesday Arrive in Washington D.C. (South African Airways Flight # 207) 8:13 am Depart Washington D.C. 9:49 am Arrive in Detroit (United Airlines Flight # 7470) This is what my day looks like I come home TuESDAY the 26th! I cant wait to see you all YAY Im doing everything here for the last time. Ya know last time at the cafe last time walking to the base last hugs last words. Sad but exciting I got to sit in a ladys house the other day and talk about how she is HIV+ she is amazing and its amazing how strong she is knowing she will die from this disease. I love people so much I love what is within them, the strength that they draw out of them even in times of no hope. Also my friend Lisa got a puppy husky and I keep cuddling with it rubbing my face in its fur because its the cutest thing I have ever seen! Tuesday I come home! yessssssssssssssssssssssss

	2008.08.14  10.32 So today Im going to Port Elizabeth to change my plane ticket YESSSSSSSSSSS I CANT WAIT TO COME HOME! Its so weird every time I think about just like being enveloped by the people I love and people who love me is like the most emotional thing for me. I just burst out crying everywhere I go when I think about it. Im a wreck in other words and really ready to come home! I CANT WAIT TO SEE EVERYONE! I will post what day and time I come home probably tomorrow to let you all know. I love you guys and thank you for being there for me despite me being half way around the world! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! ash

	2008.07.31  12.51 So Ive been interviewing people for this AIDS documentary Im trying to pull together. Lets all keep our fingers cross and hope that Ashley who is terrible with film can pull this off. If all else fails I will have some interesting footage and a really good eye opening experience learning about living with AIDS. I am really excited about this though the women are really opening up to me and to me I feel like its changed part of me. Seeing what they go through, what their dreams where and are now. I just look at their life and think wow because of how strong some of these women have to be. About an hour ago I talked to a lady who had everything stolen from her, clothes food everything SHe is HIV+ and has a small baby. She had nothing now people have been giving her all kinds of things clothes and stuff, all she wants is to provide for her baby. Also she had an accident cooking she spilt boiling water down her chest and stomach so she is in a lot of pain. I just feel for her so much. Another lady came to me and when I asked her what she wanted it could be anything she said she wanted to know that her sisters kids were taken care of after she died so that they had a roof and food. She knows her kids will be adopted after she dies but she still was selfless and wanted her sisters kids taken care of. I was just so blown away. I am so excited about this lets pray it works out. Also so excited about coming home. Might be going to Botswana and Zimbabwe for a week before I leave for ministry just taking pictures and filming some people about the current situation in Zimbabwe. Im kinda excited I would be driving a van with a bunch of people full of food gas and clothing to bring to the people in Zimbabwe who are living with very little. It would be a good experience and plus I will deffinatly be able to drive a stick shift after that. AHHH! Excited to see everyone! Love love

	2008.07.21  12.20 open your eyes Close them Visualize this with me here people. open your eyes Close them open close open close One moment your surrounded by cars malls roads mazeworks of houses the next your walking down the street surrounded by women carrying giant bags on their heads people asking you for money, food, then the same thing in two other languages. You see poverty you see riches, you see ocean and palm trees, then there are little boys opening up their coats they inhale and find themselve too in another place. I feel torn between two worlds, both so real to me. I keep meeting new people, making new friends, being invited to dinner parties, getting jobs working private exclusive parties. I love love love it here. Damn I love my life, How did I get so lucky?

	2008.06.24  14.30 So today I turn 21 and even if I did drink today it wouldnt be any fun cause I know it was legal for me yesterday too. Hangin in there on my birfday Love and miss, wish I could be there with you all but it wont be long now

	2008.06.19  12.53 So Im officially moved out of Ikayah which is amazing and so wonderful to be free but at the same time different and awkward at times. I live with a lady named Pia and her son who is 18 and an ex crack addict. She lives in this big house with views of the ocean and I get my own room with access to the outside and my own bathroom which is amazing. I even have views of the ocean and mountains from my room. I am so lucky and so happy to be here. I sometimes find myself feeling awkward around the son who is like a gangster wanna be and kind of just in a weird spot in his life trying to get off drugs and such. But Pia and I sit and have coffee together and talk about everything. Her husband just died not even a year ago and she is about the same age as my mom so its sad but she talks to me about it from time to time which is nice to have her open up to me. Im enjoying cooking and hanging around. Im going to start my documentary soon which im also excited about and I know it will be great but today I talk to the guy who runs YWAM jbay here his name is Peiter and he didnt really make me too excited about it because he was an hour late to talk to me, was text messaging while I was talking to him and kept asking me weird questions and suggesting that I buy a car for 3 months while im here. I was like umm no im poor, im a missionary idiot. Then he asked me to make photocopies for him. I was so angry with him but I kept my mouth shut and did the photocopies and walked home. Gahhh. I figure Im going to make the documentary with or without his enthusiasm and besides Im not making it for him Im making it for me and for other people to benefit. Not to make him more well known throughout the world but to make people aware of whats going on here in South Africa! ohh yeah! Okay so what else is new? Nothing really I might be riding around in a little moped to and from the base to my house which will be so funny and I promise to post pictures of me riding it! bwahahah it will be so funny! I cant wait. I just bough a book that was banned here a few years ago because it was against political somthing I dont know but Im excited about it and Im enjoying it so far. I just want to buy more and more books but I know I shouldnt cause im poor. I just decided IM going to get rid of almost all my clothes so I can buy books and just bring books and stuff home from here, also sand and shells and random weird pieces of fabric. Gahh! Im starting to get back into loving South Africa I feel so lucky to be here next to the indian ocean and Im falling in love again. Just happy to be a little more free and out of the intense School of Biblical studies. Im missing home like mad though, as I always do but I figure I just need to enjoy it before I go home cause Im really in the last lap! I come home soon! And I MEAN SOON! I cant wait! it will be here before we all know it. I imagine myself coming off the plane with all the people I love there but I think it would be so funny to, when I get to the Detroit Airport, to change into fish net stockings and a short skirt and a trenchcoat and be a little bad ass when I arrive. Gay I know but still I would get a laugh when I could see the look on my mothers face bwahahah! My mind really wonders and I think damn I have the life. No job I get to do what I love, I get to help people and I get to live in the most beautiful place I have ever been to in my entire life. Damn im lucky. CAN WE ALL ROAD TRIP TO SOUTH AFRICA? I really think everyoine would love it here! I mean it! I now want to go everywhere. I plan on coming home for a year or so then going again to another place. India, cambodia, Kenya, Egypt, Morocco! Im excited where I will be soon, Im happy where my life is now. I really feel so lucky to be living my dream. I hope you guys all live the lives you want, follow the things you want to do and just live life to its fullest. Step out and live. gah its so refreshing and I think much needed for human beings. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WATCH THE MOVIE "INTO THE WILD" It like made so much sense to me everything that boy thought and did made so much sense to me and it just was so amazing yOU ALL HAVE TO SEE IT! I was like in love with this boy and what he did its just amazing! okay okay enough just watch! Okay I must go now I love you all and be excited with me as Im in the last lap and soon to be home so you all better be there when I do get home!!! Sept 17th I leave South Africa! <3

	2008.06.05  20.19 So nina comes to visit me tomorrow. Christina is going to drive me Kristen Mia and Simone to Port Elizabeth to get her but first were going to the mall and walking around. I hope we can find the airport and I hope Christina can still drive a stick shift as well as handle driving on the other side of the road. Im so hapy to be getting out of this house soon cause all I ever hear are people singing and playing guitar I just cant take it anymore! I live with a bunch of want to be boy band guys. and then theirs my roomate who sings all the time ALL The time. Im just glad to be living on my own soon! BWAHHAHAA. When Nina comes we plan on crashing at Jun-ho's place as well as possibly sleeping on the beach one night. Im excited to have her back here! She might help me get out of the funk Im in. But yeah I also want to say i have 15 dolars in my banking account! bwahahahaa I dont know whats going tohappen but yaeh we will see wont we! <3

	2008.05.31  11.00 So despite the fact that Im geting kicked out of the house I live in another door opened up! I have like under 100 bucks in my acount and its making me a litle nervous and I ddnt know where I was goign to live but then the lady who I house sat the other day called me and said she wanted me to come live with her. In that Beautiful huose! I cant believe it. I was like you do know I need somewhere to live for 4 months right? and she was like yes I want you to come and live here. I would have my own room my own bathroom a washer and dryer (BIG THING TO HAVE HERE) and a dishwasher! Ahh the things you never thought you wuold miss. I once again am getting a little smile from heaven as God keeps telling me he wants me here for just a bit longer. Okay so im here now I get to start making this movie. Hopefully not like the one I made in multi-Media but yeah we will see! Today is okay busy but okay. Im glad. It doesnt change how much I miss people back at home or the fact that i have no money.

	2008.05.21  13.30 Im a little nervous I feel like Im slipping away... loosing my mind. no im not just lighty saying this. Im a little worried right now at my mental state. I dont know what to do. I really think im loosing it. kinda scared but I cant make it stop..... I just know I need to come home. Enough talk just doing it. shoot me, please?

	2008.05.17  17.48 Im house sitting some house on the beach... okay some big huge mansion right on the indian ocean! AHHH yay

	2008.05.15  15.07 I really enjoy putting things off and going more and more insane help

	2008.05.07  15.38 free me!! Soon hopefully I will have my own place and I can begin working on my documentary. I cant wait to get done with this school. Its good for me and all but I cant even read a book other than the bible. I just start to read and I cant get past the first page. I really need a break. Its kinda sick. Oh well free on the 6th of June... then possible road trip to Cape town for my 21 birthday and then yeah start of the documentary. THEN HOME! yayayay I cry just about everyday thinking about love, who I love at home and who loves me at home. I just cant wait to be there and breath in the love.

	2008.04.25  16.51 So Im really excited about making this video in June. Really really excited. Even though I have no Idea how im going to do this concidering I was the worst (when I say the worst I mean the worst) Person in my multi-media class when it came to making movies. all I can say about that is "car window". Im kinda laughing about it right now but crying on the inside. Okay so I want this video to be my turn around my big breakthruogh! I need to find a camera that I can use and a program that I can use on my computer. okay so im far from everything but I have till June. Also June has my birthday bundled inside of it. 21 years of age. ahh! legal age to drink in the US and Im in a country that I can drink 3 years ago. AHhh. Oh well. Im hoping to go to Port Elizabeth tomorrow to go dancing but I have to rent a car and stuff which is annoying but Im thinking about it. You can always find me sitting in Blue Spiral cafe facing the ocean and trying to study but I can never focus because I always think about home. Grass is always greener on the other side kind of thing. Im counting down the days and I know that it will be here before I know it. I keep thinking about coming out of the plane and seeing the people I love the most. BUTTTTT im here living in a house with a boy band who always want to make me kill myself. I died their hair the other day in stripes and V's with purple hair dye. It was so great. I made Vernal look so stupid with a v in the back of his head.

	2008.04.17  13.17 So Im still here, you know in South Africa. Its great Im always wearing sandles and tank tops and have wind blown hair from the ocean but I cant get Detroit out of my mind. Its like pulses that run through my body and I cant make it stop. Its like the grass is always greener on the other side. I know when I go home like two days later I will feel alone and sad and hating it there and missing it here. But here Im missing home and wanting to be in normality for me. But really nothing from home is normal anymore. Things here are so much more normal for me. Walking everywhere, sitting in little cafes trying to get internet and watching the ocean has become normal. Who wouldnt want this? Im always struggling in my mind. I just want for a moment to lie next to someone who I love and care for not like a romantic love but the loves of my life back at home. Just to lie next to someone and stare at the sky and be in complete ecstasy and know that you are safe and secure next to that person and you can just lie and say nothing but know everything they are thinking and feeling and just to be able to enjoy that moment in time. I cant say im not happy here because Im really happy here. My heart just hurts being so far from so many people I love. Im making a difference here so I cant loose hope. Im making this documentary after the SBS is done and Im going to be in my own flat which will be cool but yeah I love being here. Anyone want to come visit? Ekis lief fir jou ......Afrikaans for 'I love you'

	2008.03.28  14.26 DEPORTATION So because Home affairs is requiring $800 down payment for a plane ticket that I already have I might have to come home...this friday/saturday. I know this is really good for everyone and also exciting for me but I want to stick it out here and finish this school. This is so hard for me Im broke and lonely and just wanting everything from home especially people who love me. I love it here but Im really homesick I need something to fix this. AHHH

	2008.03.24  17.04 Auntie Lala Yesterday after lunch, after church, after breakfast Auntie Lala invited me over to her house. Once we arrived she quickly explained to me that I absolutely must make myself at home “the tea is here if you want to rest or watch T.V. you can, sweetheart”. Auntie Lala is the kind of woman you want around when you’re sick or need some love. I took a long nap with a big blue pillow on her old pink couch surrounded by all her Antiques and classic painting of half naked girls and dogs. The clock chimed every 15 minutes reminding me of the work I have due the following day. 22.15 hours remaining and ticking. I woke up due to the fact that I had warm saliva dripping down the side of my cheek. “Oh dear won’t you have tea and cake?” We sat in her little china doll house and relaxed in her pink couches letting the setting sun reveal our hearts, the big front window facilitating it all. When far away from home and sickly missing it I will now go see Auntie Lala. Missing you all very much

	2008.03.01  16.35 yeah its me So im sitting here in the middle of the afternoon all alone in a busy internet cafe full of young blonde men with no shirts on and covered in Tattoos. We call them surfers. ha. Im listening to silversun pickups the song kissing families. I want to float away with the song with the melody into the air. I spin here in my little stall, my little space, with the world at my fingertips. You can only say I miss you so many times. But it never stops hurting. Never. What to do, what to do. Tell me someone inform me of my current situation. left or right sir? My body shakes violently in hopes to purge something out of me something of substance that I can bring to the table and say THIS IS IT. I feel more like sludge. Please dont hate me if I can never be the same. Please dont hate me because Ive chosen a different path. Release Ashley Release. I need you to be supportive, I need you to understand, I need you to always love me no matter what. Im sorry everyone for not coming home or ever being the same. Im just a wild thing whose chain has been undone. Release Release Release Release Release Forgive Me Release Release I love you all more than you will ever know. Those are not just words, that is my whole heart aching so much I cant take it anymore. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I Love you I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU! i will see you soon Ash

	2007.11.05  11.12 Hey guess what, Im in Africa BWAHHAHHAHA!

	2007.06.30  02.30 Im plucking myself from my surroundings and flying far away.Im not running from my problems just placing myself somewhere so that I have a chance at getting better, stronger, and happier. I need to seperate the walls from all the nails, thats all. I never know if Im coming or going. I think I've become retarded and it isnt fazing me one bit. I want to be cool like the ocean. Also I never knew a 2 year old could bother me so. Being a nanny isnt its all cracked up to be. I feel like I can wait a long long time before children. Long time. Maybe its because there are 5 kids all under the age of 4. hmm. My birthday was probably the worst ever this year. I didnt want to see anyone, I just wanted to be out of sight. I feel like Im always on display for people. At work, with my friends, and everywhere in between. I wanted to spend time with my mom but her friend came over and was there all day. I laid in bed and felt sorry for myself cause Im selfish like that. My mom wanted to buy me this sweet really expensive digital camera. I wouldnt let her. I feel like it's too much money for something and it makes me angry to think that I want it. I dont want to feel like I Have to have anything. I know that money can be put towards better things like me going to Africa. I just cant justify 700 dollars for one item on myself. Zeke called and wanted to come over, I told him no and he knew I was upset I was like choking up and he insisted on coming over so he did. It was good and probably the best part of my day. We sat under the tree in my front yard and ate strawberries. I enjoy people who are good and whole. Im so sick of people who lack substance. Justine is with Mel right now in France probably having a beer or two. Im so jealous. Im so so jealous. I miss her so much it hurts. It's been 2 years almost 3 that I havent seen her. What an amazing person. I know that we were meant to know each other almost like we are connect with each others souls. ahhhh.... Im sending kissing in the wind to her right now. I just hope that the people I know and have come in contact with have taken little pieces of me with them maybe even big fat chunks of me. Carry me around with them, understand what I live for and why I do the things I do. I want people to love and be loved. I want people to make a difference in others lives.I hope I can be a good example of that so they can do the same for others. That is my wish, take pieces of me with you wherever you go. much love, shmashly

	2007.06.08  12.35 Im very bitter. Everyone needs to just forget I exist.

	2007.05.19  01.37 I have come to the conclusion that I hate America and all it's inhabitants. HA!

	2007.05.08  12.29 They just hired a new girl at lifetime. Her name is Molly. Today a man came into the gym wearing a brown shirt and she said to him "I like your shirt..... It reminds me of chocolate". I instantly love her.

	2007.05.05  22.10 My fundraising dinner is Tomorrow!!! May 6th at 12:30 pm EVERYONE SHOULD COME Its a suggested donation of $10 per adult. If you have 3 bucks come. If you have no bucks come anyways. I would love everyone to be there to support me if that doesnt mean supporting me financially support me by being there for me. I love you all so much and am so lucky to have such great people in my life. I will be gone for 7 months and I want to be with everyone one last time before I leave. SO COME! Mapquest it kay... Cornerstone Christian Church 13700 Merrill Rd. Sterling Heights, MI 48314

	2007.05.04  23.42 I hurt so so badddd.

	2007.03.27  15.42 hay now! SO guys how about this weather ehh? All I ever get to talk about at work is the weather. One day I want to ask someone a personal question and see how they actually respond. Sometimes I ask people if they have any good stories from work to tell me. Most of the responses I get are weird looks then "oh uh nothing really". I HATE MY LIFE AT LIFETIME FITNESS! I have realized that I dont hate my job at LTF but its really close to that four letter word. Its like talking to a bunch of 12 year olds on an ego trip. I always want to scream and rip out my hair. But I am really mean to them in return. I feel bad sometimes then I remember what they say and then I dont feel bad for mocking them or sarcastically saying "YEAH OHH YEAH! ME TOO! I WISH I COULD LIFT THAT MUCH WEIGHT! OH YEAH". They dont even get it. blah Im so glad its warm out. I drove to nowhere with megan last night trying to get lost. We ended up in a town called Richmond and then in a cornfield on top of my car looking at stars. I love warmmmmmmmmmmmmmth.